(3) Making Sense of It All
by Bryn Gwyrdd
Summary: In the aftermath of "Unfinished Business", Lee can suddenly see a lot of things more clearly. Final story in the "Sense" trilogy.


Lee opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for several minutes, trying to piece together the last 24 hours in his head, what had been real and what had been simply a side effect of the drug. He could remember some parts with icy clarity like raising his gun to shoot Blackthorn but other fuzzier memories were crowding into his brain, fighting for space.

He breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm his racing pulse and began to sort through the cinema of memories flying through his head. For thirty years he'd been unable to remember almost anything about his childhood and now faster than he could process them, it felt like every memory had arrived at once: every hug and kiss he'd gotten from his parents; the feel of being in his mother's arms, tucked in bed while she read him bedtime stories, the sweet scent of her perfume and the scent of his father's jackets, the pipe smoke and aftershave; the way his mother would reach for him to brush the hair out of his eyes, the exact same way she did to his father when it was the weekend and Dad's hair was soft and sticking up and not slicked back like it was on work days.

The more memories he retrieved, the more he realized how much he'd forgotten how tactile his parents were; it wasn't just his mother but his father who had always pulled him into his lap or rubbed his head as he walked by, who had never walked past his wife without a caress of some kind, a gesture that was always returned in kind with a squeeze or a kiss or a smile.

_Just like Amanda_, he realized. All those attempts at comfort that he'd sarcastically consigned to 'mothering' were just a natural part of her physical vocabulary the way they'd been for his parents. A pang of shame went through him of how many times he'd angrily shrugged off those gestures from her, trying not to let her close, even in this past week when he'd needed her the most. He wondered if he'd left it too late to fix now – she'd been overly careful the last few days, hands jammed in her pockets when they walked anywhere, obviously sensing how close he'd been to exploding as they zeroed in on the truth about his parents' death.

As if in response to that thought, there was a slight sigh beside him and he turned his head, realizing for the first time that Amanda was curled up beside him on the bed, sound asleep and wrapped in a blanket. He stared at her, trying to remember what on earth she was doing there. She was fully dressed and the slight smudge of shadow under her eyes suggested she hadn't slept much. He watched her drowsily and slowly the memories of the night before returned. She'd come back to the apartment with him, arguing with him over whether or not she was going to stay; him insisting it was unnecessary and her scolding him again that he had taken a drug that could leave his brain like Swiss Cheese and adamantly refusing to go. More flashes of the previous night played out in his head; feeling like he was burning up, trying to leave the apartment to go out into the cold night and Amanda holding him back, begging him to stop fighting her and to stay put. She'd finally convinced him to lie down on the bed while she opened the window to cool down the room and then she'd sat cross-legged on the bed, encouraging him to tell her all the things he could remember about his parents now, holding his hand until he fell asleep. He thought he'd slept soundly, despite the vivid dreams but now looking at the pallor of exhaustion on her face, he wondered if he had.

As he watched her, Amanda opened her eyes and stared into his. She gave no reaction at first, then reached out to rest her hand on his cheek, before closing her eyes again, murmuring "No, no, no. It's okay, I'm still here. Go back to sleep, Sweetheart."

_I guess that answers that question_. Lee grinned and turned his head within that caress to kiss her palm before turning back to look at her. There was a long moment before her eyes shot open again and she whipped her hand back against her chest with a guilty expression. "I'm sorry," she said. "I was mothering again."

Lee reached out to take her hand and draw it back towards him, holding it in his, resting against his chest as he rolled on his side to face her. "No, I'm sorry. I've been a jerk."

Amanda's smile returned and her eyes warmed. "Well, that was the drug, you couldn't help it."

Lee's face turned serious. "No, I don't mean the last thirty-six hours, I mean the last thirty-six months." His lips quirked up at her puzzled expression. "You have been my friend for three years and for most of that time, I've complained when you mothered me as if it was a bad thing. No, let me finish," he went on when it looked like she was about to interrupt. "You know, Amanda, I didn't remember a lot of what it was like to have a mother and my uncle was not a touchy-feely guy."

Amanda gave a snort of laughter and he had to join in, before continuing, "Big surprise there, I know, but when I watched you with Phillip and Jamie, deep down, it must have reminded me of what I missed growing up. And whenever you tried to make me feel better with touching, it just made me feel like you were treating me like them."

"Because I _was_ treating you like them, Lee," she said softly, "Everybody needs a hand to hold sometimes, even loners." She squeezed his hand gently to emphasize her point

He had to smile at her reference to what he'd been like when they'd first met. "You told me once that when people care about each other, they touch each other, and ever since we met, you've been working your way under my skin, touch by touch. Every time you took my hand, every time you nursed me through an injury, even when you just fixed my tie, it told me you cared. And I appreciated it, even when it looked like I didn't or even when I pulled away, but for the last several months, the problem is that I didn't only want you to touch me like that - I wanted more."

She looked confused for a moment then her face cleared with comprehension. "Oh." She gave him a long considering look across the pillows. "Well, so did I. You must have known that."

"But I wasn't ready to take that step with you," he answered honestly, feeling the flutter of guilt at the hurt expression that evoked. "Do you remember that time you gave me the spa certificate? You told me then that you didn't like it when strangers touched you."

Amanda couldn't keep in the gurgle of laughter. "But we're not strangers, Lee. You can't have thought I meant that to mean you, not after all this time."

"No, no, I didn't," he replied. "But I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable; you are too important to me to rush into anything."

"We've hardly rushed, Sweetheart," she whispered. "I had to wait a long time for you already."

"I know, and believe me, it wasn't because I didn't want you – it was because I think that deep down I knew I couldn't give myself to you completely until I understood myself." He paused and sighed before going on. "It would have been like letting a stranger touch you – how could I be with you properly like that?"

She contemplated that for a moment before saying, "So you've been holding back from me from what? A fear of intimacy? That doesn't sound much like the Scarecrow I've known."

"Amanda, I've been physical with more than my fair share of women, but I'm not sure I've ever been intimate with anyone, not really." He stopped, swallowing the bitter pill of that truth.

"Not even Eva?" she finished for him. She couldn't hide the slight tremor of hurt in her voice remembering her instant dislike for that woman.

"Definitely not Eva. I was infatuated with her, but I think I always knew she wasn't the one for me. I was in a dark place when I met her and looking to fill a void, but I held myself back even then. I should have been upset when she said she was going to marry Angelo and instead, I felt… nothing. Not sadness, not relief, just nothing."

She studied him silently, before finally asking hesitantly, "So how is that self-understanding thing coming along?"

"Much better thanks to the Promazepam… and you," he smiled lazily at her then lifted her hand to kiss the inside of her wrist, then each fingertip.

When he glanced back to meet her eyes, his breath caught as he watched them darken. Releasing her hand, he gently reached around to cup the back of her head and leaned across to kiss her. Her lips parted instantly under his and his pulse quickened at the quiet whimper of relief she couldn't hold in.

It was unclear which of them moved first, perhaps it was mutual but in an instant she was plastered against him, kissing until they finally had to break apart to breathe. The caresses continued however, Lee's lips tracing the curve of her collar bone while his hand learned the curve of her hip and ribs. Amanda's breath warmed his skin where she nuzzled him and with her hands against his chest, her fingers sent frissons of awareness through his body, even through the light cotton t-shirt he was wearing. When his hand slipped under her shirt and warm hands met already heated flesh, he heard her breath hitch and paused his exploration to pull back and look into her face. She was gazing back at him through eyes cloudy with desire, and as he watched, her tongue flicked out to lick her swollen lips.

"Amanda?" he said hoarsely, unable to form more of a question than that, not knowing how he'd bear it if he got any other answer than the one he wanted to hear.

"Yes," she whispered back. "Please, Lee. Touch me." One arm snaked around his neck, bringing him back down to her lips while her other arm drew his body closer to hers, as she lay back on the pillow. With a groan, he felt her fingers slip under his t-shirt and, after briefly caressing his back, she began gently tugging his shirt up his body, even as she arched under him. He briefly lifted himself up to allow her to slide it over his head, then leaned back down on one elbow, so he could slowly undo the buttons of her shirt, fumbling as he did so because he was trembling. He felt her shaking with stifled laughter and looked up to see her gazing at him with a radiant smile.

"How can you be this nervous?"

"I have no idea," he admitted, with a breathless laugh. "This is a first."

She pushed his hand away and sat up, lifting her hands to slowly finish the job he'd begun, her skin flushing under the heat of his gaze as he watched her hungrily. As the last button came undone, he helped her push it off her shoulders, then slipped his fingers under her bra straps and slowly drew them down her arms as she finished pulling her shirt off. When he began to kiss the top of her breasts, she ran her fingers through his hair, drawing him closer, as he slid a hand inside one lacy cup, pushing aside the flimsy fabric and slowly licking the rosy nipple he'd exposed, until it pebbled rock hard beneath his mouth. Lee's entire body tightened at the breathy whimpers Amanda was unable to contain as she arched and writhed under him, wordlessly encouraging him to continue. He hid a quick smile against her neck when she gave a noise of frustration when he stopped for a moment, followed by a quick sigh of satisfaction as he released the bra clasp behind her back and pulled it off her body, dropping it somewhere off the side of the bed before readdressing himself to her, suckling each nipple in turn as she ran her hands along his shoulders and back as if she couldn't touch him enough. He understood the feeling, torn between not wanting to rush this moment and an almost all-consuming desire to feel her skin against his.

The feeling was obviously mutual because now, somehow, her hands were in between them, tugging at the button of his jeans. She managed to get it undone and he sucked in a breath that echoed the hiss of the zipper as she pulled it down and slipped her hand down to caress him. He froze, unable to think of anything beyond the sensation of her hand and the way she was slowly stroking him. He realized his eyes had closed and forced them open slowly, finding himself looking into the inky depths of Amanda's, her lips pressed together trying not to laugh at his sudden paralysis. He felt his lips curve into a grin, then before she could react, he had pulled himself from her grasp and leaned back to return the favor, undoing her jeans, then slowly easing them off, trailing kisses in their wake down the full length of her legs. He paused for a moment to gaze at her, now left in nothing except a pair of silky panties, her dark hair spread out on his pillow, and a languid smile on her face as she held out a hand to him. The Amanda he'd met three years ago would have been shy about a moment like this, but now, the absolute certainty in her expression didn't seem like a surprise after all.

The enormity of the step they were about to take hit him and he lost his ability to breathe. "Amanda," was all he could manage to get out, suddenly unable to express himself clearly.

She sat up then, and reached for him. "Lee? Less thinking." She gave a huge grin then and leaned forward to grab his waistband to pull him closer into a long kiss before adding, "More touching."

They were both laughing now as they fumbled around each other, both of them trying to pull off his jeans, but getting in each other's way. Finally he managed to kick them off along with his boxers, and lay back down beside her, skin to skin from head to toe in the way he'd only imagined up until now. Amanda's hands seemed to have a life of their own, slowly stroking and exploring any part of him she could reach, seemingly content to learn his body before they went any further.

"More touching, huh?" he murmured and began a slow exploration down her collarbone and onto her breasts, pausing to suckle at one while caressing the other in the same rhythm, her small gasps of pleasure like music to his ears. The kisses continued downwards towards her navel, while his hands continued to caress her flushed skin. Now, seeing her this intimately for the first time, he could see the faintest lines that hinted at her motherhood; for the briefest instant, his pulse hiccuped at the mental image of Amanda carrying a child for him and the realization that at some point he had started to think that way about her – as his future, as his family.

As his lips navigated the skin below her navel, her small gasps were turning to whimpers of anticipation and he could feel the fingers of one of her hands running through his hair. His long fingers hooked the flimsy fabric of her underwear and began to ease it down, noting with satisfaction that it was already damp as he slowly exposed the triangle of silky hair. He pushed the panties the rest of the way off, caressing her legs with his palms as he went, even as he began to kiss the soft flesh of her inner thighs. The scent of her was making him almost dizzy, as he bent to worship and just his warmth breath on her swollen flesh was enough to make her breath hitch and her body tensed. Concerned, he glanced back up at Amanda but her head had dropped back down on the pillow, eyes closed, her other hand twisted in the bedclothes while she continued to stroke his head.

"Lee," she breathed out his name like a plea.

He reached up to disentangle her fingers from the bedclothes and link them with his. "Amanda." He waited for her eyes to flutter open and meet his. "Tell me what you want."

"I want you… everywhere," she sighed. "I need-" her soft voice cracked, then stopped.

"What do you need, Honey?"

She could hear the caress in his voice and opened her eyes to meet his hazel ones, so warm and full of love but with a trace of uncertainty which vanished as she smiled at him.

"Just touch me. I need you to touch me."

That seemed a simple request – and the best idea Lee had heard in a long time. He moved back up until he was lying beside her again, rolling her slightly to face him so that he could kiss her. Amanda gave off a small sigh of happiness as she entwined herself with him, her body fitted against his as though it was the missing piece to a puzzle he had thought was doomed to be incomplete.

Time slowed as they continued to kiss and caress, to let their hands chart new territory. Scars, old and new, were smoothed and made whole somehow, maps were outlined as fingertips zigged and zagged between freckles like marks on a compass and always, always, they talked to each other, nonsensical loving conversation, joking as they always had, mixed with small gasps of pleasure and laughs of joy.

Lee had just reduced Amanda to silent shaking laughter by inventorying her freckles and threatening to add a detailed list to her file, when she rolled him on to his back and turned the tables.

As he leaned back on the pillow, hands behind his head and soft smile on his face, she began a thorough inspection.

"I knew it," she muttered, her breath tickling across his skin.

"You knew what?" he asked, lifting an eye brow.

"No appendectomy scar," she replied. Off his confused look, she went on in a mimicking tone, "_I went in to have my tonsils out and they took out my appendix! The doctor said he had time to kill_!"

Lee lay back, heaving with laughter. "I forgot about that! How did you put up with me?"

"You appealed to my mothering instincts," she twinkled up at him.

"No Freudian thoughts?" he asked, reaching down to tap her nose.

"Maybe those too," she agreed.

"Even then you knew how to save me," he murmured. "And I don't think I was ever properly grateful. Come here and let me show you now."

He tried to tug her back towards him but she gave him an impish smile and resisted. "Hang on, I'm not done satisfying my curiosity yet," she teased.

"Oh really?" he grinned at her. "And what exactly are you curious about?"

"Oh, everything," she smiled back at him. "All the times I got nothing but little glimpses… I'm going to take a good look now."

"Well, you know what they say about curiosity," he teased. "Be careful what you look for." He waggled his eyebrows at her until she began to laugh as well. "But you missed your best opportunity."

"Whaaat?" she drawled out, wondering why he was suddenly laughing.

"Just one more question," he replied promptly, and started to laugh harder at her surprise.

"You heard that?" she stammered.

"Of course I heard that. The drug helps you remember what happens while you're under, Amanda – that's the point." He held out his hand again and she let him pull her back up against him.

"Oh. And you want to know what I was going to ask?" She looked troubled at having been caught out.

"I think I know." He looked serious now. "But I'm more interested in knowing why you didn't ask it."

Amanda chewed her lip for a moment, giving her answer some thought. "It was wrong… it would have been a betrayal."

"A betrayal?"

"You asked me to be there when you were drugged and vulnerable because you trusted me. I shouldn't have been asking you anything that wasn't related to the case."

"It wasn't a truth serum. Amanda. It wouldn't have made me blurt out something I didn't want to."

"Maybe not, but it still would have been wrong."

There was a long pause, then Lee shook his head with a rueful smile. "You are a remarkably honorable decent woman, Amanda King."

"And you are an honorable decent man," she replied, leaning her forehead into his. "I've always known that."

Lee lifted her chin to kiss her again. "Right now, I have one more question for you."

Now she was the one who felt uncertain – uncertain if he was going to ask something she wasn't prepared to answer yet. She knew what the answer was, she just wasn't sure why Lee would have to ask it. She held her breath and waited.

Lee rolled her onto her back and braced himself above her on his forearms, smiling tenderly when he saw how nervous she was. He lowered himself and began to nuzzle her cheek. "I want to know… need to know… how does an honorable, decent woman like to be touched?"

Amanda relaxed against him as she gave off a contented sigh and wriggled deeper into the bed. "Indecently."

She could feel the laughter shake through his body, but then Lee was kissing her, kissing her in such a way that she was left in no doubt what the answer to that unasked question would have been.

Hands and fingers followed kisses, eagerly sought, eagerly given. Despite her joking demand, Lee seemed to know instinctively how to arouse her in a manner more akin to worship than the requested indecency. After all those years of habitual caresses and the easy affection they had shared for so long, the long-tended spark of unspoken love ignited, not into the wildfire of new lovers but the comforting blaze of the welcoming hearth of an old friend.

When, inevitably, the fire blazed up, there was no question to be asked, no qualms to be had, only the heartfelt gasps of satisfaction as the ultimate connection was completed. In silent accord, they both stilled in wonder, seeking each other's gaze in the increasing light of the dawn outside the window.

Lee had no recollection of asking a question but Amanda's face lit with a smile and glow from within and she nodded, answering it somehow anyway. She slid her hands up to his head, holding him motionless for a moment while she gave him a long languorous kiss.

"More," she said, undulating against him as if bestowing permission. "Please."

Without hesitation, Lee dropped his head to bury his face in her hair and began to move. Every nerve in his body felt alight, but in a strange contradictory way, it was not the usual spine tingling rush of arousal, but rather a soothing affirmation as if every touch they had exchanged had led them here, to a feeling of unutterable rightness.

"If I was a cat, I'd be purring," he found himself saying out loud.

Amanda's low chuckle, more breathless than usual, sounded in his ear reassuringly. "You're more lion than cat - all golden mane and gorgeous eyes." She stroked a hand through his hair. "Predator and protector."

He shifted to slide a hand beneath her, to its regular spot in the small of her back, lifting her slightly and evoking a breathy sound of delight that made him smile in turn. Her fingers tightened their hold on his hair and her body rose up against his as inexorably as a tide, while her panting took on a note that could have been mistaken as distress, if one wasn't aware of such things. He reached to grasp her other hand, linking their fingers as he settled into a gentle rhythm that soon had her body bowing up until it reached a breaking point. Her body seized his in its grasp and with one last moment of hovering on the brink to watch Amanda's face suffuse with pleasure, he let himself tip over into the torrent of a shared epiphany.

* * *

"No, not yet," Amanda murmured against his skin several minutes later when he tried to move. Their heartbeats had finally slowed and their bodies had relaxed into languid recovery, and they were thoroughly entwined.

In the aftermath of the explosion of every one of his nerve endings alighting, Lee was indulging himself by enjoying the way all his other senses had come alive: the taste of her as he gently licked the rivulet of perspiration that was sliding down her neck, the delightful sound of the soft laugh she gave off from the tickle that gave her, the scent of Amanda that he knew well enough to pick out of a crowd, but now with warm notes of thoroughly sated desire mixed in, smelling like a drug he'd be looking for again like an addict. Most of all, he watched Amanda, the play of emotion on her face as she relaxed into the reality of their new relationship.

When she shifted under him again, he tried to lever himself upwards, only to have Amanda tighten her arms once again and hold him close. "Amanda," he chuckled, dropping a light kiss on her nose. "I must be crushing you."

"You're not," she said, through a small yawn. "I like it."

"You like being crushed?" he teased.

"I like the feel of you… all over," she said. "All over me, all over you." Her grip on him lessened but only so that she could return to the long soothing strokes she'd been running along his back.

"Well, if I fall asleep like this, you won't like it so much" he said. "Hang on." Sliding his arms around her, in one deft movement, Lee rolled them both so that now Amanda was draped along his body. "How's that?"

"S'good" slurred Amanda, sleepily. "But s'better the other way. Safe." She moved, trying to tug him back to their previous position, to no avail.

"Safe?" he prodded.

"Mmm, like the weight of you around me."

"Oh I see." He rolled again so that now they were on their sides, Amanda tucked into his chest, his arms around her and his leg draped over hers, then reached to flip the comforter over them both. "There you go… best of both worlds."

He could feel her slipping into the lassitude of pleasure, but she lifted her head to look into his eyes, her own dark with an emotion he recognized but wasn't ready to put a name to yet.

Amanda reached out to cup his cheek, just as she had done earlier when he'd first woken. "You always make me feel safe," she said. "When you wrap yourself around me… when you touch me, I know I'm safe."

Lee gazed back, recalling how she'd held him unflinchingly through the night as he fought the after-effects of the Promazepam.

"When you touch me, I know I've come home," he answered.


End file.
